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My Hallowe'en - clubbing
 Lollipop (Chicken Little) & I
 Dee & Sangarita (some football player - Ricky? Bush)
Spikes were goddamn dangerous and annoying.
edit -
 Me right now. Fuck. -_-*
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" 'Have you not learned by now that they are the same?' She said. 'Did Hry not teach you that as it is above, so it is below? Death without life is hollow and cruel, and life without death an empty mockery. All things must be in their time, in their course. For an old man to die when his time has come is not evil. You know that.' "
- pg. 341, Black Ships by Jo Graham
  
Is it just I or does time feel it has slowed down to the finite snapshot of every ticking sand?
I'm procrastinating as usual, fluttering back and forth between my room where my scattered textbooks, pens and notebook lies and to the living room where the blinking glow of the computer monitor remains stagnant. I go over my agenda and the dates. I count off the lines. I feel trapped and bored. Listless.
There is a lot I want to complete but bound by a mental starightjacket, I concede I do have time left to my lifeline. Where is the source of this rushed feeling? Speed speed speed. What am I suppose to attain?
transitional phase
Yesterday, I changed my research paper topic with it due in less than a week. Very dumb of me but the previous one I challenged myself with was too vast. Seeking specific information amongst the sea of it all left me floundering and lost, especially when I choose not to rely on the internet. (I do not trust the internet for sources to write into my papers. I may use it read up for general information but in the end, I end up amongst dusty tomes.) So... I changed it.
Previous topic:
 Theatre at Epidauros -vs-Colosseum (Flavian Amphitheatre) 
Muddling through murky architecture jargon and dry ancient floorplans, I gave up looking for anything significant about their hisotrical context. I'd find a snippet here or there but obviously they didn't amount to a paper I could ream on and on with.
Current choice (my backup):
 Menkaure and Khamerernebty -vs-Sarcophagus with Reclining Couple 
Befuddled and all turned around - that is what I am.
Online search engines are always your friend: what is the format of a compare and contrast essay?
be still for a little while
I know I'm one to be bored easily. I also know the state of boredom is based upon how much one can occupy themselves. The world isn't out to entertain or amuse me. It is not at my beck and call like a ridiculous court jester. I am the one to allow myself to be drawn in and frolick with the rest. I can choose to join the festivities or stand aside and gaze impassively.
Like attracts like. In the past, I hung out with similiar listless individuals, ghostly impressions of their true selves. They disdained and mocked the happy people, yet drawn to their movements and joy. Every so often, something breaks through and I laughed out loud with the rest of them. I looked over my shoulder and saw the rest of them mimicking the majority half-heartedly. They still said the same dreaded sentence: "I'm boooooored." Why the fuck are you still bored? If you're bored, why don't you leave? Why are you still here? Why don't you find something which doesn't bore you?
It doesn't happen that way. Instead, they remain, hollow and stale, waiting for someone else to pique their interest and motivate them.
After this, I decided to refrain from saying, "I'm bored." I am always active and doing something. If I can't think of anything and an answer is still demanded, I tend to end up with, "I'm good./I'm okay." Or maybe an inane answer, "I'm breathing/reading a book/standing in the kitchen." I'm not dead.
The state of boredom can only be resolved by one person.
I tend to keep myself busy. I seek for projects or something to occupy myself. But I'm also told it's okay to be bored once in a while. It's okay to allow myself fallow time where I do nothing at all. When was the last time I had this? I don't know what to do with time off nowadays. It's a foreign concept. I'm attached to my agenda with something jotted down every single day. One week in. One week out.
It's no wonder I feel time passes by very quickly yet I do not recall the time spent.
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Why is everyone around me getting sick?!
They're being picked off like flies!
1. Midget and Lollipop are knocked down although Midget is a lot more serious than Lollipop's condition. Midget is feeling nauseous and achy. She doesn't want to move and a fever has set in. She's been tearing up since 5pm - must be her body trying to flush her systems out. I'm concerned but I don't want to get sick either.
2. Midget's brother was sick first, lying in bed for three days. I don't know why Midget wouldn't think she'd contract it from him but I have noticed how pale and tired she looks lately. Maybe it was eventual. But with both of them down and out for the count, Midget has only one brother left to walk Cubby all the time... which isn't going to happen. Her brothers may be responsible but majority of the dog-caring is thrown on Midget. I will have to remember to make the effort to walk Cubby while Midget's sick. The bigger the dog, the more exercise they need..... and Cubby is a big ol' butthead. 
3. Brother dearest bought a couple books.... I discovered them two days ago, wondering curiously if he was actually going to bother. He didn't. Instead, he gave it to me. He probably intended to give it to one of his guys/minions to follow up on it but now they remain on our living room table. The two books are: The Art of War by Sun Tzu, translated by Thomas Cleary (interested in) and Rich Dad Poor Dad by Robert T. Kiyosaki (not so interested in).
4. My kitchen reeks of raw and cooked salmon. Yesterday, my brother went fishing on his buddy's dad's boat and came home with a couple black garbage bags full. Ick. It looks like there will be salmon steak and salmon-related dishes for a while. I'm not exactly looking forward to that. Mom also injured her pinky, accidentally cutting it while prepping the fish to be frozen and stored. We have a hude metal bowl of fish eggs too. Goddamn. One of my brother's friends cut up some sashimi but I declined. I'm not a huge fan of raw fish.
5. Walking to Dressew for some plastic spiked bracelets and white fabric for my costume, I came across this intriguing swordplay place. It even had the umbrella self-defense workshop I remember vaguely from the radio a several weeks ago. It stood out in my mind. I considered trying it out but I don't usually carry an umbrella on me, much less the proper long ones with a hook. *shrug* But I did note on their front page they do host birthday parties.  Guess who is going to have her 24th birthday party at a swordplay training hall? Hehehehe... It's awesome. In roughly 7-8 months, I'm going to celebrate with sword-fighting lessons during the day and improv shows on Granville Island at night. I cannot wait!
6. Meandering through the swordplay website and chatting with Wang on the phone, I decided to look up any ninjutsu training available in Vancouver. There is one: Vancouver Bujinkan Ninjutsu. However, it appears they are trying to cement a permanent dojo location for them to train regularly. The phone number provided looks like a cellphone number. Sifting through the website, I also learnt previous martial art experience would hamper one's learning abilities. This sidenote is a put-off. Le sigh. It looks like Dee will not be a ninja, not even temporarily.
It's all good.
However, I would like to master Shurikenjutsu - throwing shuriken, either the long, thin daggers or the star versions.
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inner instinct
In my Art History course, we have moved from prehistory > ancient Mesopotamia/Sumer > ancient Egypt > Classical Greek periods > Estruscans (Italy) and now we've landed in Roman art, swaying through history with the Western Rome and the Byzantine Empire. It runs into a lot of Christianity, thought at the time to be a pagan cult. I'm a little antsy about this and as much as I prefer to block it out, I know I need to learn the stories and the symbolism drenched within the artworks to understand the historical context and what people possibly experience.
....
Maybe it's my minor brushings with this religion. I've felt I've connected a stigma to the words "Christian" or "Catholic" or "Protestant" or whatever they may be called. It's the same to me even though I know there are differences of interpretation. There is a person named Jesus in each one, someone named Mary and supposedly only one God with a lot of archangels, angels, saints and what-have-you. There's an Old Testament and a New Testament. I do not begrudge anyone their religion except I cannot help but be a little wary since I don't know if someone will zealously stuff their beliefs down my throat or perceive any murmurings of tolerance to be blasphemy. Of course, it helps to know everyone isn't a religious nut but the trick is identifying which ones are which.
I don't want to be fed a lot of propaganda in hopes of "winning" me over to the "right" side of heaven... if there is a heaven. I have a spiritual side I nurture but I don't feel I believe in any one deity, god or goddess. I follow my mother's celebrations and practices but this is to present myself as a good daughter. I truly don't know if it came down to it, do I believe there is a different plane my ghost (if it exists) goes to?
Ugh.
I'm getting to the slightly messy part of Art History and I'm trying to remain somewhat objective about it. In the most simplistic formats, they are epic tales of times long gone and no one is exactly sure if any of it is true. Maybe an event happened and it blew itself out of proportion as time passed but that's about it. The Jesus figure in the early beginning art is nothing like today's. The motivation behind the changes are all about the Emperor trying to win over the Western side of Rome... and it feels almost silly to recount the numerous times someone preached to me about the holy and divine. The routination is always the same line: this guy sacrificed himself for everyone. It's the big theme. The early artworks show him as a clean-shaven shepard with no divine light in him, approachable and one with nature. He is not a judge. He is a teacher. He is possibly in his twenties. He emanates compassion.
Then it gets a little turned around to show nothing but power and judgment. To give authority to whoever happens to be ruling at the time: the emperor. He aged. Someone attached a beard on him. He is more distant. He looms on ceiling to give the feeling of power. He is a judge now, inspiring fear and condemning everyone despite the fact he sacrificed himself already for everyone. Can he do it again? I have no clue. B-b-but... argh. I cannot skip the entire section on Rome. This will be on the Final Exam.
....
Ah. Fuck it. Whatever. Politics suck shit. Ancient politics suck even more. My brain is going to explode.
I have to get back to my schoolwork, but I leave one thought:
" 'I think you put too much stock in your gods, Kaiku,' he said. 'Some people mistake their own courage for the will of their deities, and others use their faith as an excuse to do evil. Be careful, Kaiku. What your heart dictates and what your gods tell you may one day be in opposition.' "
- pg. 405, The Braided Path by Chris Wooding
What does your heart dictate?
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"Kaiku noted Nomoru's own tattoos on her arms as her sleeves fell back: intricate, jagged shapes and spirals, intertwining through emblems and pictograms symbolic of allegiances or debts owed and honoured. It was the tradition of the beggars, thieves and other low folk of the poor Quarter in Axekami to ink their history onto their skin; in that way, promises made could not be broken. In poverty, need drove them to perform services for each other, a community of necessity. Mostly, their word was their bond; but occasionally, for more important matters, something greater was required. A tattoo was an outward display of their undertaking. Usually it was left half-drawn, and finished when the task was done. The Inkers of the Poor Quarter knew all faces and all debts, and they would only complete a tattoo once they had word the task had been fulfilled. An oathbreaker would soon be exposed, and they would not survive long when others refused to aid them.
How strange, Kaiku thought, that the need for honour increased as money and possessions decreased."
- pg. 412-413, The Braided Path by Chris Wooding
From roughly 3:15pm or so 'til this current time, I've been texting back and forth with Rah King and it's mostly arguing about him. It started out harmless where I sent a mass text message about being incredibly full - yummy, yummy, I have food in my tummy. He replied with a teasing phrase about "how could I" eat without him. This is apparently enough to set off my rocker and I called him out on it. I called him a flaker who refuses to leave Richmond and after that, it may have escalated. I'm pretty brutal when I want to get my point through but Rah King is very much like an old dog who doesn't learn new tricks. So, I called it off, wishing to keep the peace... because it probably wouldn't do well if I cut off another person within the last three months. I toned it down but I know I'm still pretty brutal. My only hope is he doesn't end up ignoring me and take up some ridiculous course/class unsuitable for his instinctive nature.
I'm calming down now but he irritated me. I cannot abide fools well, especially on a bad day. Good days, I'll humour them, but otherwise, it does get to me. It's arrogant of me to say so but for certain individuals, I can tell when I'm automatically made of sterner material than them. I cannot blame them since each person has separate lives and do not know what the other person goes through or how they cope with it. But I have to admit if I have a stronger spirit/personality than someone else. It's a fact. Some people are like that.
What pushes me more is the fact he's trying to brush it all off. Rah King thinks something has gotten into me and wonders where this poor image of him developed. I can understand where it may be a little out of the blue for him but that's only because I hold it in. It's minor and it doesn't truly affect my life in a drastic way at all. But putting me off for six hours to make a decision when it's an impromptu get-together to go eat is ridiculous. I understand time management and all but it's a small get-together. Who the hell needs to be book in advance for that? Instead of declining and saying no out-right, he hems and haws and wastes my entire day. I even had Wang on hold for the same amount of time. It's stupid.... and I'm told, "That's Rah King for you. It's why we don't bother." What the hell?! So why does he whine we don't invite him? Because it's pointless to do so. If it fits his standards and parameters, we do. Otherwise, we don't.
The real kicker: Because I'm a nice person means I cannot be a bitch. It's a foreign brainwash, as if the devil possessed me.
I am merely more tolerant than some but it's expected there's only a level of bullshit I'm willing to put up with. After that, I am entitled to have more than one personality. No d'oh, dipshits. I'm not easily taken advantage of although it happens. Only because I allow it. The key difference. Whether I give permission or not. Otherwise, shit is going to hit the fan and most of it will be coming from me.
Why the hell do people keep thinking I'm a nice person?! Hello?! I'm human. I experience the same range of emotions as the next relatively stable individual.
People should learn not to piss me off. If they can't avoid that, they should learn if I'm truly pissed off and I let them know it, I'm serious. Otherwise, I'd maintain a facade until I get into the dojo. There's no point in making a mountain out of a molehill. Minor bits and pieces are a waste of my energy and only provide fodder for my training. Leave me alone.
Lesson of the day: Learn when to push me and when to fuck off because I truly think I'm better than you.
I don't know everything. I don't claim to be the smartest nor the strongest nor the fastest.
But I know when I'm better than you. I train to look for that and whether I want to take the risks.
I will cut you down to size. Leave me the fuck alone.
(Thank goodness the ones I'm loyal to know this. Otherwise, it causes holy hell within me.)
 Sometimes, the truth can cut you just like the cold. Go cry me a river./rant | | |
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